Ugh. Well, twice a week goes down to once a week, but I think life is getting calmer again. I don't feel so heartsick anymore, which is a good thing. Life goes on and all that jazz.
I have school in the morning. All of our cryers except two have matured themselves out of that stage, which is a blessing and a mercy. I love my babies but it does wear you down when they cry for most of a three-hour stay.
John is still on four-hour recall but he assures me that it doesn't mean much at all. Nothing short of a massive rollout will cause him to be deployed in the job he's in...by massive rollout, we're talking a WW2 kind of massive. That may change, however, in January or February when he changes jobs. He may be moving to Third Army which is part of CENTCOM (Central Command) which could, concievably, be sent.
I pray he stays at Fort Gillem, understandably.
The kids are all fine. Eva's working on her cello music...she's begun fingering, and is having a bit of trouble. Thank God she's on a cello and not a violin, else the strings would be murder on her fingertips. I had a conference with Stephen's teacher on Friday; other than some issues with his fine motor control, he's doing fantastic in kindergarten, even better than I thought he might, since he's a younger five. Teddy, too, had an evaluation last Monday, but I haven't heard anything back from that. No news is good news, I suppose.
And I have lost nineteen pounds since the beginning of June. Hooray! (Only 31 left to go!) posted by Steph at 9:04 PM[edit]
9.23.2001
People say we should be getting back to normal. I suppose it's about that time, since I didn't know anyone personally involved in the nearly two-week-old tragedy.
But my heart is still heavy; I can still feel the pull of emotional energy from the people who need it more than I do. John says I have been talking in my sleep to children...I seem to be taking them somewhere, it seems, in a real hurry. I don't remember any of those dreams. I wish I did...maybe I could glean some meaning from them.
I continue to be a military spouse, with all the worry that comes inherent in the job at times like these. John can't tell me anything, of course...only that he's on a four-hour alert, which means that when and if he gets a call, he has to be packed and on post within four hours. I've been through those before, in 1990. You think four hours is a long time, until you have to help pack. Until you are faced with the prospect of not seeing your husband for three months, four months, six months, a year. We can't even imagine how long this time. At least this time I won't be practically babysitting fifty-two other military spouses, most of which were 19 or younger, many who had no clue how to deal with the finances or their husband's absence. If I have any military readers, please, please, before you leave your spouse, make sure s/he is educated. Make sure s/he knows where important documents are, where the bills get sent, how to balance a checkbook. Empower your spouse BEFORE you leave, because if you don't, s/he'll flounder. And that's not beneficial to anyone.
This song hit me really hard tonight. Somewhere in New York, many, many places in New York, desperate, grief-stricken hearts are screaming this song.
Everything I Own
--Bread
You sheltered me from harm, kept me warm,
Kept me warm,
You gave my life to me, set me free,
Set me free,
The finest years I ever knew
Were all the years I had with you.
And I would give everything I own,
Give up my life, my heart, my home,
And I would give everything I own,
Just to have you back again.
You taught me how to laugh; what it took.
What it took.
You never said too much, but still you showed the way,
And I knew from watching you.
Nobody else could ever know
The part of me that can't let go,
And I would give everything I own,
Give up my life, my heart, my home,
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again.
Is there someone you know,
You're loving them so,
But taking them all for granted?
You may lose them one day,
Something takes them away,
And they don't hear the words you long to say.
And I would give everthing I own,
Give up my life, my heart, my home,
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again.
Just to touch you once again.
Bob: ::big gentle hug:: We will get through it though.
Me: I know we will. It's just frightening. What if it comes to war? I'm so scared...I don't want anything to happen. But someone will go to retaliate...someone will and then it will start. Why can't people just live in peace?? Why can't people see that we don't want war?? What did they hope to gain from this? We help everyone in the world...why does everyone hate us???
Bob: Jealousy, hate, fear. I am not sure shy people hate us. Wish they didn't. I wish I was put out of a job and could go on living with no fear. But there are always cowards out there. Afraid to gain anything by normal way, they have to hide in the darkness and claim that when they hurt people it is for the greater good when it only benefits them. ::sighs:: I am not sure what comprises these people, but I wish they never show.
Me: I hate being this scared..I hate thinking that something might happen to take John, to take you, to take the life I've come to love and turn it upside down. I hate feeling like my children have to grow up in a world where hate is rewarded and love is laughed at. I hate seeing people who are generous being taken advantage of.
There was more..but it just gets more depressing...I think I want to go to bed....maybe when I wake up this will have all been a nightmare. posted by Steph at 12:56 AM[edit]
9.11.2001
I want to cry.
I want to scream, I want to fight.
I want to pray.
I want to heal, I want to give.
It is gone.
So many lives, so many dreams.
It is done.
So many hopes, so many loves.
Mothers and fathers.
Husbands and wives.
Daughters and sons.
How much longer?
How many more lives, how many more deaths?
How much blood?
How many more screams, how many more tears?
Forgive us, Father.
We have sinned.
But so have they.
Good news, good news!! There is nothing wrong with me, nothing at all.
Well, I won't say absolutely nothing at all. What was thought to be a possible out-of-control cyst now seems to be nothing more than some scar tissue. This could get worse with time but until it does, I'm leaving it alone.
The ultrasound (see post below ffrom August 29th) went fine, and though I know now that what I saw was normal, it looked awfully scary to me at the time. Essentially, though, what it showed is that I am a supremely fertile woman. (Kids, anyone? And thank you for playing Too Much Information!) I'm glad that we took the drastic measures that we did to keep from having more children. (And I won't tell you what those measures were. It would be more TMI. But let's just say my favorite gay Pixie has more chance of fathering a child than my husband.)
Normal can be such a sweet word when you've had a scare. posted by Steph at 7:07 PM[edit]
9.03.2001
Four free days, and what does my husband do? He sequesters himself in his room to make more work for himself. He is, at the moment, choosing music, song by song, to play during the beginnings of his discipleship training classes. I'd just pop in a tape and let it play, but no, he has to be sure each song corresponds to the lesson. Nevermind that the music is just background noise. Grr. And God forbid anyone bother him while he's doing his work. He's such a bear sometimes!!!
When we have some time off, I like to go out, do things, see things. There is a lot we can do without spending money. But all he ever wants to do is sit home and study. How boring. posted by Steph at 10:33 AM[edit]
9.01.2001
Grr. Try to post and the computer locks up. What else is new?
All in all, though, it's been a good day. I really do have a good life, despite the amount of complaining I seem to do in my postings. I have a husband who loves me, who isn't afraid of taking care of children or doing the laundry, and is gentle and kind. I have three children who are good, most of the time, sweet as honey, most of the time, and who love me. I live in a nice neighborhood, in a nice house, and we don't lack for much. Sure, we're outgrowing our car and we have more debt than we'd like. I don't know many families who don't, though. We do well enough for ourselves. I have a job that I really enjoy, and friends that care a lot about me even if they're not always available. (Who is or can be? Not even me.) I get my free time, and I have my health for the most part. I truly am blessed.
